New Lyrics-
Don't worry little bitty it'll be alright
Together we're gonna get through tonight
Turn on the white noise and fall asleep
you swam so far and you dove so deep
You dared to go look at the underbelly
To do more than just story telling
It may be past but it's not over
You can't run away from what you don't know
Now is the time to fight for your love
Fire your engines and load your guns
It may be past but it's not done
You won't get far not knowing where you're from.
Don't worry little bitty it'll be alright.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Where are my feet?
I think I broke my toes. I was playing soccer on a trampoline the other day with one of the ... 8 children I'm currently babysitting and I missed the ball; my kick was intercepted by his shin. He was fine. But I think I broke my toes.
A couple weeks ago I was late to a music rehearsal and in the car on my way there it started to rain. When I arrived, I hurried up the walk and to the door but I slipped. I stepped my foot on the landing and it fell out from under me, my whole body flew up a few feet and I ... landed eventually. It hurt. I got a little whiplashed. I received a lashing for my tardiness.
I love running up hills. I was running up a mountainous wooded area type of hill on Monday and one of my purple shoes slipped off my foot and I fell face forward. My arms sprung out and caught me, my hands got muddy.
Yesterday, in the kitchen of some other kids' house, I was barefoot washing dishes. There were so many dishes. I was walking towards the laundry room. There was a sharp pain suddenly on the bottom of my foot. I panted- "ooh-ow-shit-crap-ow-what-the-crap-heeeeheeeehhhh-huuuhhuhhh-lamaaaaz breathing, etc.-" Slowly I picked up my ankle to examine the underside of the foot and discoverd 2 little chunklets of glass jammed up in there. Ow it hurt.
Not my glass. -Not my kitchen. -Not my dishes. -Not my kids. -- MY foot. My Foot.
My feet.
I am currently working between 5 and 6 jobs. It's a lot.
i haven't made my bed in over a week. The last time I did my dishes was a really really long time ago. there's a banana peel from yesterday next to my computer right now. sitting on top of a book called "herbal healing for women." There's junk and shoes and guitars and forks and gum wrappers and pillows and paper bags and stuff all over my apartment. There's a cereal box on the floor at my feet, cut open so I could play the games inside...but it's chutes and ladders...can't play it by myself. There are some drawings that kids left in my car. ... My car is clean.
So okay lamenting about our difficulties doesn't make them go away necessarily... maybe these aren't difficulties.Honestly, however confused I am, it's fun fumbling and falling down in the windy, wobbly life I'm living right now.
My feet are humbly searching for something steady underneath them, for the next step to take. I just keep tellin em "hang in there buddies, we're gonna get there. Just keep on shifting around like you're doing until you bump into the next obstacle to climb over and then we'll do THAT... That will be something to do!" Obstacles are easy. Because they induce adrenaline and then instincts take over. Easy.
It's the other stuff that gets my toes all tangled up. The little stepping stones in the garden, the one thing at a time things, the getting from A to Z using all the other letters in between, THAT process- Process- is really. really. challenging. I'm just not used to it.
So, I'm getting used to it. It's fun to learn. Right now- I'm not going to do anything about anything in my world that seems to need fixing except to notice and say 'well, would you look at that." and then hum a little tune on my way to the bathtub where I will take a hot bath and rub my beautiful feet. That's my first step. And then Tomorrow I'll do something else. Like...throw away the banana peel on my desk. That's enough for tomorrow...because I have three jobs to be at tomorrow, so a banana peel is the most I can really take responsibility for at home.
My feet like that. They just need to know that I'll be there for them. Like kids. Feet are like children. People are like children. Children are people. Good people. And that's why I love spending time with them and why I don't mind doing they're dishes. And I don't mind falling down a hill because I LOVE so much to run up them that it's worth the mess. And I certainly don't mind a little spill on my way to play music with people- I would endure much more than that to be able to play music.
Feet. Right now my feet are wiggling and excited for their bedtime to come.
A couple weeks ago I was late to a music rehearsal and in the car on my way there it started to rain. When I arrived, I hurried up the walk and to the door but I slipped. I stepped my foot on the landing and it fell out from under me, my whole body flew up a few feet and I ... landed eventually. It hurt. I got a little whiplashed. I received a lashing for my tardiness.
I love running up hills. I was running up a mountainous wooded area type of hill on Monday and one of my purple shoes slipped off my foot and I fell face forward. My arms sprung out and caught me, my hands got muddy.
Yesterday, in the kitchen of some other kids' house, I was barefoot washing dishes. There were so many dishes. I was walking towards the laundry room. There was a sharp pain suddenly on the bottom of my foot. I panted- "ooh-ow-shit-crap-ow-what-the-crap-heeeeheeeehhhh-huuuhhuhhh-lamaaaaz breathing, etc.-" Slowly I picked up my ankle to examine the underside of the foot and discoverd 2 little chunklets of glass jammed up in there. Ow it hurt.
Not my glass. -Not my kitchen. -Not my dishes. -Not my kids. -- MY foot. My Foot.
My feet.
I am currently working between 5 and 6 jobs. It's a lot.
i haven't made my bed in over a week. The last time I did my dishes was a really really long time ago. there's a banana peel from yesterday next to my computer right now. sitting on top of a book called "herbal healing for women." There's junk and shoes and guitars and forks and gum wrappers and pillows and paper bags and stuff all over my apartment. There's a cereal box on the floor at my feet, cut open so I could play the games inside...but it's chutes and ladders...can't play it by myself. There are some drawings that kids left in my car. ... My car is clean.
So okay lamenting about our difficulties doesn't make them go away necessarily... maybe these aren't difficulties.Honestly, however confused I am, it's fun fumbling and falling down in the windy, wobbly life I'm living right now.
My feet are humbly searching for something steady underneath them, for the next step to take. I just keep tellin em "hang in there buddies, we're gonna get there. Just keep on shifting around like you're doing until you bump into the next obstacle to climb over and then we'll do THAT... That will be something to do!" Obstacles are easy. Because they induce adrenaline and then instincts take over. Easy.
It's the other stuff that gets my toes all tangled up. The little stepping stones in the garden, the one thing at a time things, the getting from A to Z using all the other letters in between, THAT process- Process- is really. really. challenging. I'm just not used to it.
So, I'm getting used to it. It's fun to learn. Right now- I'm not going to do anything about anything in my world that seems to need fixing except to notice and say 'well, would you look at that." and then hum a little tune on my way to the bathtub where I will take a hot bath and rub my beautiful feet. That's my first step. And then Tomorrow I'll do something else. Like...throw away the banana peel on my desk. That's enough for tomorrow...because I have three jobs to be at tomorrow, so a banana peel is the most I can really take responsibility for at home.
My feet like that. They just need to know that I'll be there for them. Like kids. Feet are like children. People are like children. Children are people. Good people. And that's why I love spending time with them and why I don't mind doing they're dishes. And I don't mind falling down a hill because I LOVE so much to run up them that it's worth the mess. And I certainly don't mind a little spill on my way to play music with people- I would endure much more than that to be able to play music.
Feet. Right now my feet are wiggling and excited for their bedtime to come.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Je Ne Regrette,
The song that has most recently been swirling in my brain and falling out of me uncontrollably is, "Non Je ne regrette rien," by Edith Piaf. Her voice has been booming in my skull and it has spread into my muscles and blood too. (I recorded my own version, you can watch it when you finish reading this. it's your dessert.)
What does it mean? The meaning is the thesis for this essay I'm writing you.
Non, rien de rien. Non, Je ne regrette rien.
Not, nothing of nothing. I do not regret a thing.
I don't regret anything.
Non, rien de rien.
I don't regret the good things or the bad things that anyone has said or done to me. My debts are all paid, for I don't live in the past. I am current; I start again from ZERO! Rien de rien!
This has become my manifesto. Maybe I'm too young to truly understand the depth of meaning that this song conveys; or it's acknowledgement of what suffering and bliss life has in store. And maybe, maybe I'll write on of my own of these songs one day. In fact, maybe I have already done that...
Still, it's my manifesto- it chose me. This song is staying with me because it was given a mission to make me listen. And I've sung it to myself-to the air-to the computer while I read the lyrics online, playing with French. I've sung "Non, rien de rien!" so many times that I believe it now.
There are so many ways to address the past. With fear and rejection, with resentment and anger, or, alternatively, with curiosity and love, with acceptance and peace, with a hope to recover the truth, the real truth. Truth, with a Captial T.
Please enjoy the following paragraph as I have:
"Human actions are based upon the operations of impressions stored in the mind through previous experiences. Every thought, emotion, and act is grounded in groups of impressions that, when considered objectively, are seen to be modifications of the mind. These impressions are deposits of previous experiences and become the most important factors in determining the course of present and future experience. The mind is constantly creating and gathering such impressions in the course of it's experience."
Meher Baba says this in the book 'Discourses'.
What He's saying, as I understand it, is that our present moment is essentially our interpretation of what's happening through the lens of our past experiences. That means that our moment could be completely different from what it is - depending on how we relate to our past and how we relate to life as it is Now.
Just, think about it. Read it again. Let it sink in. And then interpret for yourself if you please.
Regret has gotten me nothing. Nothing of nothing. What I have and who I am- that's what gets me something. And even that is just imagination- transient, ever evolving and changing.
But the beauty of all this is that eventually, event ually, I'll be empty, I'll have nothing, because I will have given my all. I will have lived for Love and that will have brought me to Love completely; without my impressions and my me-ness, without my lenses.
That's my destiny- Love. Purely. And on the way there, I will live as though I've already arrived at my destination. I will do my best! So I how could I regret a thing? Je ne regrette rien.
(if you're interested in reading the lyrics of this song, go here. This was Edith's last hit before she died in 1962.)
What does it mean? The meaning is the thesis for this essay I'm writing you.
Non, rien de rien. Non, Je ne regrette rien.
Not, nothing of nothing. I do not regret a thing.
I don't regret anything.
Non, rien de rien.
I don't regret the good things or the bad things that anyone has said or done to me. My debts are all paid, for I don't live in the past. I am current; I start again from ZERO! Rien de rien!
This has become my manifesto. Maybe I'm too young to truly understand the depth of meaning that this song conveys; or it's acknowledgement of what suffering and bliss life has in store. And maybe, maybe I'll write on of my own of these songs one day. In fact, maybe I have already done that...
Still, it's my manifesto- it chose me. This song is staying with me because it was given a mission to make me listen. And I've sung it to myself-to the air-to the computer while I read the lyrics online, playing with French. I've sung "Non, rien de rien!" so many times that I believe it now.
There are so many ways to address the past. With fear and rejection, with resentment and anger, or, alternatively, with curiosity and love, with acceptance and peace, with a hope to recover the truth, the real truth. Truth, with a Captial T.
Please enjoy the following paragraph as I have:
"Human actions are based upon the operations of impressions stored in the mind through previous experiences. Every thought, emotion, and act is grounded in groups of impressions that, when considered objectively, are seen to be modifications of the mind. These impressions are deposits of previous experiences and become the most important factors in determining the course of present and future experience. The mind is constantly creating and gathering such impressions in the course of it's experience."
Meher Baba says this in the book 'Discourses'.
What He's saying, as I understand it, is that our present moment is essentially our interpretation of what's happening through the lens of our past experiences. That means that our moment could be completely different from what it is - depending on how we relate to our past and how we relate to life as it is Now.
Just, think about it. Read it again. Let it sink in. And then interpret for yourself if you please.
Regret has gotten me nothing. Nothing of nothing. What I have and who I am- that's what gets me something. And even that is just imagination- transient, ever evolving and changing.
But the beauty of all this is that eventually, event ually, I'll be empty, I'll have nothing, because I will have given my all. I will have lived for Love and that will have brought me to Love completely; without my impressions and my me-ness, without my lenses.
That's my destiny- Love. Purely. And on the way there, I will live as though I've already arrived at my destination. I will do my best! So I how could I regret a thing? Je ne regrette rien.
(if you're interested in reading the lyrics of this song, go here. This was Edith's last hit before she died in 1962.)
Monday, November 2, 2009
Time in a Boggle
On the plane home from my trip to the Southeast last week I wrote this in my recently neglected journal- "I can't comprehend the rate at which time passes. Years go by slower than months, but months go by so quickly that after 12, it's been a year and I can't believe it!" (I know I just quoted myself...deal.)
The beginning of a new month is pregnant with expectations. Have you noticed? Like anything you didn't accomplish last month has a fresh chance now that the first is here. It's so bizarre ... because it's all just days. Probably, our ancestors set time up this way to provide some way to gauge success and to ease our minds. They were telling us that life isn't just this endless trajectory; there are weeks and months and years and we get to start over again every 30 days or 365. But what does it even matter? We can start over every moment. I mean, I'm a completely new person now than I was two minutes ago. Not because of any big life event, but just because...this moment is completely new and unique. And this moment. And ... THIS moment.
I'm saying all this because when I'm under the intense pressure and stress of ... whatever my mind is going through at any given time ( like now ) ... I have this tendency, an annoying habit really, of 'holding out for the 1st of the next month.' Somehow my rent will get paid, I'll be that much closer to my Grammy award and my cooking show and the aching anxious feeling pulsing through me when I think of all the stuff I haven't done will just be gone as the 31st turns into 1. And I'm trying to let go of all this...rushing to the next destination. Again, what's the point? What's so great about that place that hasn't happened yet. I mean, crap, if there's always something better at some time that isn't now, it's just declaring fault with every moment, because nothing will ever be as good as some imagined future. Except that it's all a lie. How can it be more? It doesn't even exist. I wish I was the only person to ever think or say this because than I'd feel like a genius, but I'm pretty sure this is like topic number 3 on the "Dilemmas of Humans Top Ten Countdown".
I guess the best way to deal with this is just to do more. and think less. and feel more. and drink... more? no. you know what I mean though. ( I don't really drink but I might start. I've been watching movies lately and people always are drinking in movies...)
The people are outside digging through the recycling bins looking for bottles to sell, and I'm in here playing songs and writing down my thoughts and feelings for the few of you that are interested. What are you doing?
**This concludes the first of my monthly blog series. An ongoing project that will give me something to look forward to all month long. every month. I'll leave you with a song for everyone, a first take video, no edits, just because. **
The beginning of a new month is pregnant with expectations. Have you noticed? Like anything you didn't accomplish last month has a fresh chance now that the first is here. It's so bizarre ... because it's all just days. Probably, our ancestors set time up this way to provide some way to gauge success and to ease our minds. They were telling us that life isn't just this endless trajectory; there are weeks and months and years and we get to start over again every 30 days or 365. But what does it even matter? We can start over every moment. I mean, I'm a completely new person now than I was two minutes ago. Not because of any big life event, but just because...this moment is completely new and unique. And this moment. And ... THIS moment.
I'm saying all this because when I'm under the intense pressure and stress of ... whatever my mind is going through at any given time ( like now ) ... I have this tendency, an annoying habit really, of 'holding out for the 1st of the next month.' Somehow my rent will get paid, I'll be that much closer to my Grammy award and my cooking show and the aching anxious feeling pulsing through me when I think of all the stuff I haven't done will just be gone as the 31st turns into 1. And I'm trying to let go of all this...rushing to the next destination. Again, what's the point? What's so great about that place that hasn't happened yet. I mean, crap, if there's always something better at some time that isn't now, it's just declaring fault with every moment, because nothing will ever be as good as some imagined future. Except that it's all a lie. How can it be more? It doesn't even exist. I wish I was the only person to ever think or say this because than I'd feel like a genius, but I'm pretty sure this is like topic number 3 on the "Dilemmas of Humans Top Ten Countdown".
I guess the best way to deal with this is just to do more. and think less. and feel more. and drink... more? no. you know what I mean though. ( I don't really drink but I might start. I've been watching movies lately and people always are drinking in movies...)
The people are outside digging through the recycling bins looking for bottles to sell, and I'm in here playing songs and writing down my thoughts and feelings for the few of you that are interested. What are you doing?
**This concludes the first of my monthly blog series. An ongoing project that will give me something to look forward to all month long. every month. I'll leave you with a song for everyone, a first take video, no edits, just because. **
Friday, October 30, 2009
Post Flight
Loves
I just had a beautiful trip to Asheville NC and Myrtle Beach SC where I visited with friends, performed at the Meher Spiritual Center and at wine bar called Bobo's Gallery, busked in front of a moderately crowded restaurant, looked at trees, breathed clean air, saw the colors of fall, ummm what else...went for walks, had crazy dreams, laughed a lot, finished a book, sold CDs, essentially had a very wonderful adventure...
(Check out the pics on my facebook page from my performance at the Baba Center)
Right now I'm in the process of settling into a new apartment. Woah. And writing, writing, writing! Now that "A New Life" is out in the world, my life is ... really new. I had a moment of sadness at letting things go this morning and a very trusted friend (my Momskie) said something along the lines of, "Adrienne, you should listen to this fantastic CD I have. It's called A New Life. Have you heard of it? It's uncanny how relevant it is to your current situation." Touche' Mother, touche'.
So anyway, it's Halloween tomorrow and the sun is high. Everything's going well, really. I'm pretty sure that my Puss In Boots costume is gonna kill.
How are you? What's your costume? Wanna party?
Get down. The time is now!
**Recommendation!**
Have any of you read or heard of Rob Brezsny's book "Pronoia: is the antidote for Paranoia"? The subheading of the book is" "How the whole world is conspiring to shower you with Blessings." Rob is a great friend and a wildly talented astrologer, writer and conveyer of truths -- below is a link to his website, read your horoscope! It'll blow your mind!
Free Will Astrology
I just had a beautiful trip to Asheville NC and Myrtle Beach SC where I visited with friends, performed at the Meher Spiritual Center and at wine bar called Bobo's Gallery, busked in front of a moderately crowded restaurant, looked at trees, breathed clean air, saw the colors of fall, ummm what else...went for walks, had crazy dreams, laughed a lot, finished a book, sold CDs, essentially had a very wonderful adventure...
(Check out the pics on my facebook page from my performance at the Baba Center)
Right now I'm in the process of settling into a new apartment. Woah. And writing, writing, writing! Now that "A New Life" is out in the world, my life is ... really new. I had a moment of sadness at letting things go this morning and a very trusted friend (my Momskie) said something along the lines of, "Adrienne, you should listen to this fantastic CD I have. It's called A New Life. Have you heard of it? It's uncanny how relevant it is to your current situation." Touche' Mother, touche'.
So anyway, it's Halloween tomorrow and the sun is high. Everything's going well, really. I'm pretty sure that my Puss In Boots costume is gonna kill.
How are you? What's your costume? Wanna party?
Get down. The time is now!
**Recommendation!**
Have any of you read or heard of Rob Brezsny's book "Pronoia: is the antidote for Paranoia"? The subheading of the book is" "How the whole world is conspiring to shower you with Blessings." Rob is a great friend and a wildly talented astrologer, writer and conveyer of truths -- below is a link to his website, read your horoscope! It'll blow your mind!
Free Will Astrology
Friday, September 11, 2009
Worry Not
I've been working on this certain song for over a year. When my body starts to tremble with unnamed worries my system starts to shut down. I call on my Love, my soul, and am rescued from myself. For some reason, when I play it the song acts like a life-raft to a helpless person trapped alone in the middle of the ocean. His boat was taken by the night after a storm separated them, but now hope floats towards him just as he was ready to give up.
Why does worry feel this life-threatening? Certainly it's avoidable... maybe worry is just a mask that the mind places over our deeper experiences when it's confused. Because I can feel worried even when some thrilling event occurs or EVEN when life is steady and consistent... Worry is just a place to hide when life is happening. So as we (ie. humanity) and I emerge from our fear of what we think we don't know into the vastly more satisfying world beyond, let's just trust that help is always where we need it. Just opening our eyes and listening for signs of life in the endless sea can lead us to the life support we crave.
So here are the words to the song, one of my life-rafts:
Lyrics--
They reach
for each other
in the dark
Him
with his night vision
She, with her sonar
And he listens to the sound of her voice
It calls him out of the cave
He leaves behind all the sorrow
She heals the pain
With you in my life
holding my hand
I can breathe a little easier
And when comes the night
You are the lamp
that I carry to see clearer
I carry you to see
clearer
He watches closely
As she crosses the threshold
Through the open door
And she cannot resist his
Smile, his style,
She knows now what she came here for
And he listens to the sound of her voice
It wraps around him like a breeze
And as he leaves she has no choice
She runs to him like an ocean bound stream
With you in my life
holding my hand
I can breathe a little easier
And when comes the night
You are the lamp
that I carry to see clearer
I carry you to see
clearer
She sees him
when she looks in his eyes
and he feels like he's been seen now
for the very first time
We are like them
free as the sky
and open like a book of old
forgotten rhymes
that nobody reads
but you
and I
With you in my life
holding my hand
I can breathe a little easier
And when comes the night
You are the lamp
that I carry to see clearer
I carry you to see
clearer
Why does worry feel this life-threatening? Certainly it's avoidable... maybe worry is just a mask that the mind places over our deeper experiences when it's confused. Because I can feel worried even when some thrilling event occurs or EVEN when life is steady and consistent... Worry is just a place to hide when life is happening. So as we (ie. humanity) and I emerge from our fear of what we think we don't know into the vastly more satisfying world beyond, let's just trust that help is always where we need it. Just opening our eyes and listening for signs of life in the endless sea can lead us to the life support we crave.
So here are the words to the song, one of my life-rafts:
Lyrics--
They reach
for each other
in the dark
Him
with his night vision
She, with her sonar
And he listens to the sound of her voice
It calls him out of the cave
He leaves behind all the sorrow
She heals the pain
With you in my life
holding my hand
I can breathe a little easier
And when comes the night
You are the lamp
that I carry to see clearer
I carry you to see
clearer
He watches closely
As she crosses the threshold
Through the open door
And she cannot resist his
Smile, his style,
She knows now what she came here for
And he listens to the sound of her voice
It wraps around him like a breeze
And as he leaves she has no choice
She runs to him like an ocean bound stream
With you in my life
holding my hand
I can breathe a little easier
And when comes the night
You are the lamp
that I carry to see clearer
I carry you to see
clearer
She sees him
when she looks in his eyes
and he feels like he's been seen now
for the very first time
We are like them
free as the sky
and open like a book of old
forgotten rhymes
that nobody reads
but you
and I
With you in my life
holding my hand
I can breathe a little easier
And when comes the night
You are the lamp
that I carry to see clearer
I carry you to see
clearer
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
All I want to do is have some fun...no seriously
I began recording "A New Life" in New Jersey in the summer of '07. After over 2 years of shining, burning, spider-web-like thoughts holding hostage my brain and all my free time, I can safely say that I'm starting to make my way free. And just Rapunzel coerced a man to rescue her from her crazy tower of fear and isolation by revealing oodles and oodles of long flowing hair, so shall I seduce the world to climb up into my own tower and have a listen to my songs. I've been growing out my hair for a long time and it is reeaaallly getting somewhere. it's almost to the top of my jeans. WHAT? I know, crazy. People have already been climbing up it, it's insane. And you know honestly, it doesn't hurt as much as you'd think it would.
This whole process of making CD and sharing CD and figuring out how to get CD into right place at right time, etc. has been so much about faith, trust and patience that I've so often stopped in the middle and asked myself "really? is that really what we're working with here? where's the blood and guts?" So out of confusion, blood and guts were generated time and time again, but always I've been reminded to have faith in Music, trust the Love that is showing itself and have patience. Patience. Patience in every good idea that I can't see but can feel emerging
and patience for, you know... me.
What a fun time. Fun and awful, and new.
There's a bad moon on the rise.
This whole process of making CD and sharing CD and figuring out how to get CD into right place at right time, etc. has been so much about faith, trust and patience that I've so often stopped in the middle and asked myself "really? is that really what we're working with here? where's the blood and guts?" So out of confusion, blood and guts were generated time and time again, but always I've been reminded to have faith in Music, trust the Love that is showing itself and have patience. Patience. Patience in every good idea that I can't see but can feel emerging
and patience for, you know... me.
What a fun time. Fun and awful, and new.
There's a bad moon on the rise.
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