On the plane home from my trip to the Southeast last week I wrote this in my recently neglected journal- "I can't comprehend the rate at which time passes. Years go by slower than months, but months go by so quickly that after 12, it's been a year and I can't believe it!" (I know I just quoted myself...deal.)
The beginning of a new month is pregnant with expectations. Have you noticed? Like anything you didn't accomplish last month has a fresh chance now that the first is here. It's so bizarre ... because it's all just days. Probably, our ancestors set time up this way to provide some way to gauge success and to ease our minds. They were telling us that life isn't just this endless trajectory; there are weeks and months and years and we get to start over again every 30 days or 365. But what does it even matter? We can start over every moment. I mean, I'm a completely new person now than I was two minutes ago. Not because of any big life event, but just because...this moment is completely new and unique. And this moment. And ... THIS moment.
I'm saying all this because when I'm under the intense pressure and stress of ... whatever my mind is going through at any given time ( like now ) ... I have this tendency, an annoying habit really, of 'holding out for the 1st of the next month.' Somehow my rent will get paid, I'll be that much closer to my Grammy award and my cooking show and the aching anxious feeling pulsing through me when I think of all the stuff I haven't done will just be gone as the 31st turns into 1. And I'm trying to let go of all this...rushing to the next destination. Again, what's the point? What's so great about that place that hasn't happened yet. I mean, crap, if there's always something better at some time that isn't now, it's just declaring fault with every moment, because nothing will ever be as good as some imagined future. Except that it's all a lie. How can it be more? It doesn't even exist. I wish I was the only person to ever think or say this because than I'd feel like a genius, but I'm pretty sure this is like topic number 3 on the "Dilemmas of Humans Top Ten Countdown".
I guess the best way to deal with this is just to do more. and think less. and feel more. and drink... more? no. you know what I mean though. ( I don't really drink but I might start. I've been watching movies lately and people always are drinking in movies...)
The people are outside digging through the recycling bins looking for bottles to sell, and I'm in here playing songs and writing down my thoughts and feelings for the few of you that are interested. What are you doing?
**This concludes the first of my monthly blog series. An ongoing project that will give me something to look forward to all month long. every month. I'll leave you with a song for everyone, a first take video, no edits, just because. **
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